so this is what i see at the end of the fur

a quote from my all time favorite radio show. this one was del’s entry from their "top ten diary/journal/blog entries"

as we grow up we learned that even the one person that wasnt suppose to ever let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken, more than once and its harder every time. youll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken.you will fight with your bestfriend. you will blame a new love for things and old one did.youll cry because time is passing too fast and youll eventually lose someone you love.so take many pictures. laugh too much and love like you have never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spent upset is a minute of happiness youll never get back. dont be afraid that your life will end. be afraid that it will never begin. -anonymous-

i woke up this morning feeling queasy. i had a nightmare and somehow the vivid image stayed in my head long after i opened my eyes. and while i was brushing my teeth, i shut my eyes and i discovered that they are still haunting me. damn! so i picked up my journal and started to write about it. maybe, just maybe… they will stop running after me.

well in my dreams, i saw myself sitting in a bench at a park, i had the feeling that i was waiting for someone. and so i sipped my coffee and waited for something to happen. and then before i was about to finish my drink, a guy arrived and sat beside me. i immediately recognized him and started to gave him this phony smile. <well, i know, i hate phonies, but sometimes you had to do something just to avoid lengthy conversations> it seems that he believed my gesture and started to talk. it was gibberish at first, but somehow i picked up some big words. (MISSED, 10 YEARS, BUDDIES) then we started to kiss and then somehow i felt like we were having sex in the middle of the park. i then see his eyes and suddenly a golden ring appeared in there. all of sudden neon signs started flashing: MARRIED WITH KIDS!!! OMG! Then he started weaving this lies that we can be work this out and be fuck buddies forever. (brokeback? :i wish i knew how to quit you:) so sweet! shit! good thing ive got my heart in my hands. i immediately summon my demons and have him vanished. what is he thinking? im not that dumb to pretend everything is normal and everything will work out fine. i have my balls! YEAHHHHH!!!! yet i dont have to flaunt it to make others see that im a guy and act like everything is in its proper order, when in fact im a real mess . im abnormal and im damn proud of it!

then just when i was about to stand up and leave the place, my father appeared and released a punch. LUCKY ME! im taller and i guess much smarter than him. so he started making an issue about my hair, the way i dress and  some more stuff. he said that im way too far from his playboy image. he is the man and im way too gay for him to consider me his son. <TOO DEPRESSING! well if he says that 10 years ago, or if he is even present in my life 10 years ago,  maybe that will eat me up and committed suicide even. too bad for him, im way MORE OF A MAN than him. i guess im luckier that he left us, i wonder what person ill become if he stays with us and raise me with his fucked up values in life.> i was fed up with his issues and so i grabbed his heart from his chest and trampled on it. then i cooed a dog and fed to it his bloody heart. HOW SAD!

and then just when i was about to be sorry and cry for them i woke up. i immediately prayed and wished that all of that was real. but it was not, so i felt queasy.

i wake up with blood-shot eyes/struggled to memorize/the way it felt between your thighs/pleasure that made you cry/feel so good to be bad/not worth the aftermath, after that, after that/try to get you back

i still don’t have the reason/and you dont have the time/and it really makes me wonder/if i ever gave a fuck about you

give me something to believe in/ cause i dont believe in you anymore, anymore/i wonder if it even makes a difference to try (yeah)/ so this is GOODBYE!

ive been here before/one day a week/and it wont hurt anymore/you caught me in a lie/i have no alibi/the word is set on how to mean me/ cause

i finally have the courage to admit to myself that now i know what love means.

yet im letting it go.

"i love you."

"thank you."

before, i wandered and wondered about love. now that i have it, i wonder what makes me hold on to it. i found out that its not merely the feeling that finally you have someone after years of longing to have one. i dont know about everybody else, but my brain still works. if i follow what it dictates most of the time, the logical reasons, then this love i’m holding on to is not really mine.

and so i’ve asked myself, what makes me stay with this relationship? what makes me agree to finally go against all my doubts and fears? what makes me believe that everything will be okay and that we can make it through? what makes me understand and extend a lot of patience in situations i would normally cant stand? what makes me hold on this when i have all this questions in my mind? is it still love?

i know that one day all these questions will be answered or maybe i have all the answers now, its just that if i revealed them to myself i will finally learn to let go of this love. and im not ready yet. so im holding unto it with my dear life. im holding unto this.

how did i become so broken?

of course, it was the million decisions that led me to this moment. its the choices i made. the people i loved.

i guess im no different than you are. or maybe not. i love complications. i love the pain that hit you in the gut until your heart bleeds profusely. i love tragedies. i love sad endings. i love crying until theres no more tears left to shed.

for twenty six years, im living this life. i really dont know why until now im not numb with all these kind of pain. i mean, you’re suppose to get used to it after a while right? but no. i still feel pain. maybe because i still love.

i hate how easy i feel for someone who showed me little disguises of affection. how vulnerable i become even though i know that it will once again lead me to this unsurmountable longing.

mind over matters of the heart.

how i wish it will be just as easy as saying it. god!

of course, it was the million decisions that led me to this moment. its the choices i made. the people i loved.

how did i become so broken?

i marvel on how people find the "one" for them. i guess the fascination is still with me because i haven’t find my own. or maybe  i already find the "one" for me, yet my experienced is still lacking to tell if that is really the one. i mean, is there a checklist that people keep and consult once in a while to tell if they already find their partner cause so far i haven’t been making mine. okay, im not talking about here about the fairytale stuff that you will hear music when you kiss, or the movie cliche that everything in your perspective becomes blurry once you see the potential target. what i’m wondering is more like, how many times you need to forgive someone who is obviously cheating, how much of the needs you have to provide to feel a second of their affection, how many moments of silence you have to endure so you can give them space to finally decide if they really want you in their lives.

morbid? cynic? nah. its the truth about what we called ‘love." i once read that love is just an excuse of humans to do foolish things. only morons will say that that statement is false, cause most of the time, that statement will hit you in the gut. i know, it’s on how you look at things. the rainbow bright, shiny red, glossy candy coated universe of love is much more awesome to stare at. but i suggest you think. that will only happen in a just and perfect world. do you think we’re living in that world?

no one wants to be alone and lonely, not even me. i guess that is why i made this query in the first place. duh? all im saying is that people should stop pretending love to be something like a gift that you offer to someone. You put it in a box wrapped in fancy paper and bows. Cause most often than not, love, even at its rawest form will never be enough.

i dont know about you, but my heart still aches whenever i am reminded of you.  i know now that it is my fault for not telling you the truth.  it was so stupid of me to make you believe that i wanted our relationship to be not as complicaed as my previous ones, when in fact it was, ever since that kiss happened. i guess its pure cowardice to assume that you somehow feel what i really wanted us to become. of course you know that this hesitation was not because i am not ready to go with you against all odds, its the fear of eventually losing what i treasured since the day i met you. yet now, im in full regret for not letting you know what i really feel about you and how valuable you became in my life.

i can’t explain how or when my heart learned to love you. much worse, to suppress my feelings when all i wanna do is hold in my arms. you became my confidant when the universe is against me. you were someone to hold on to, when no arms offered me comfort. you listened when nobody seemed to care. and you know so perfectly that those mattered to me the most.

i often told you that you’re not even close to my idea of a partner in life. but that’s what made you dear to me. you never tried to be someone else you’re not. you just let me love you for who you are. just like what you’ve done accepting and letting me be who i really am.

i’m missing you so much. but i will still pretend to understand even if my messages go unnotice. i will let you have the time you needed to clear things in your head. but i want you to know that i want you not because i need you, i want you because i love you.  i’m now ready to make this complex relationship easy for the both of us. i’m seriously hoping that you will give my heart a chance to show you that you mean everything to me.

we define love according to our own existence. some may look at it as the goal in a race. some may depict it like a cliff which they are ready to fall. some portray love as a blanket for their own insecurities. but for myself i look at love as a crucible which at the end defines who we really are.if that’s the case then im sure that i failed the ones i took. i
thought that it comes with age. after having several experiences on it,
surely i will ace the next one that comes along. but it is never like
that and never will be like that. each one comes with a new set of
adversaries. and so far i’ve never been excellent in defeating them, or
maybe im less of the warrior i thought i was.

i guess what’s so hard about it is the expectation we bring when we do fall in love. it is just so easy to say that we should left that expectation outside the door once we encounter love. but it is never like that. we are human beings, we love because we want to be love in return. love is never a one way street. even if we say that we will sacrifice just for the sake of it, we carry those little pockets of hope that in the end love will learn to look at the sacrifices we made. believe me, there are no heroes or messiahs in love.

we have to accept the fact that not all will surely have a happy ending. but this realization must not prevent us from loving. because loving someone at any moment in our lives help us to define who we really are. they may not love us back like we always expect, but i guess what’s more important is that they know that there’s someone who is willing to take the risk with them.

been hiding from the world for quite some time now, an irony to the life i used to have before. i was afraid of being alone. i cringe and panic whenever i see a sign that spells out the word "alone". i used to surround myself with friends, and please them all if necessary. i hate it when night comes cause ill be force to be with myself. thats when all my insecurities surfaced. thats the time when i felt the terrible loneliness of being different.if only i can do something not to feel different from everyone else. i would have sold my soul just to feel a single second that i truly belong.

but life has painful way of teaching you what you need to learn. to be able to cope to the loneliness i feel, the worst thing happened. i lost almost everyone that is dear to me. if only not for my faith, i would have drowned. but each day i’ve learned to deal with myself. i became more self-aware with the things i do or say. i became more relax with just being alone. now i hate being in a crowd of people. i feel awkward even with the presence of friends i used to know. i really dont know if this is a good thing, but right now, all i can say is that im happy and content spending time with myself.